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The Friendless Zone! - Meet D' Wilford!
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Happy Sunday beautiful people!
I have had an amazing time this month featuring some amazing young women. I am closing out my Women's History month featuring my FRIEND, THE D'WILFORD! D is the perfect way to end my celebration! I wanted to close out with a woman of wisdom, who's a peer and a friend.
I met D last year and we immediately clicked! I mean it was crazy! We decided to do lunch and 4.5 hours later we determined that this was indeed a divine connection. D has been a safe place for me. This woman has covered me in prayer like she's known me my whole life. I knew I wanted her to write about friendship on the blog and she came with it!!!!
In her own words....
Meet D!
I am D’ Wilford,
wife, mom, Pastor, Beauty Guide, and woman’s mentor hailing from The east coast now living in the Chicago land area. I am an advocate for healthy womanhood, spiritual maturity, femininity, beauty, and authentic sisterhood. I’ve had a very unique yet common journey as a woman in friendship and sisterhood and I am here to share one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned. As you read keep in mind that Friendship is a sheltering tree! If you’ve ever felt the sun bearing down on you; and you thought, “if I could just find some shade, I could bear this heat. That’s what a real friend provides. Refuge!
The Friendless Zone
Have you ever gone through a phase in your life where you felt as if you were living aimlessly. You were surrounded by people, yet you felt alone?
Have you ever been drained because of giving so much, yet receiving so little? Yeah, I remember when. . . .
Do you have secrets that you can trust no one with? Are you afraid of being vulnerable with others so much so that you have to pretend that you’re okay and all is well because you don’t like appearing weak? You give some, but not all.
Have you settled for friends? Friends that aren’t as invested. Friends that envy you? Friends that want to be YOU?
Are you friends with them out of convenience and not purpose?
This is what I call the
“friendless zone. “ A zone without true peer level companionship. A zone where all you really have, is YOU. You’ll be surrounded by acquaintances and people you call friend yet have NO REAL COVENANT FRIENDSHIPS!
I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately. About those friendships that us women have with women. The true, real, half, and fake friendships. The different categories those friends fit into, the lessons we learn from them, and the level of proximity they have to us. What determines a friend in general and what classifies a best friend. What seals a sister and so forth. So many of us mistake seasonal friendships for permanent ones and or we mislabel people and give them too much access before they are proven in that role.
At some point all of us are pushed to a place where we must really identify The who’s WHO in our lives. As well as the Who’s NOT! This place often feels like a funeral and a birthday all in the same moment. The reality free’s you. But, it can also greatly grieve you.
However, it is at this place where you learn YOURSELF, identify your circle, and see your village through a clear lens.We live in a society where friendships have been reduced to social media post and photo ops. We rush into relationships before really vetting people.
We live in a society where people connect because of your social status, career, who you post to be, and even your style. In 2019 people will love you with their words but undervalue you with their actions. And loyalty? That’s a whole other blog post!
The friendless zone is a real thing in our society beyond what it appears to be. And there are many among us that are more friendless than they care to admit.
I encounter so many women who live life detached. So many women hurt and fearful loving the idea of sisterhood, but never experiencing the reality of sisterhood. I remember being in my early 20’s surrounded by people but lonely. Yes, I had a little crew and was there when needed. But, I lacked intimacy. I felt like the friend who did all the work without reciprocation.
In many instances I went without the help and support I needed because that’s just what you do when you’re surrounded by needy people or shall I say, people that need you. I made the horrible mistake of befriending women I probably should’ve been mentoring had I been healthier myself. I was struggling in my mind. I was pouring, but broken and miserable. I was carrying my relationships and it was breaking me down. I had a Boo. But he wasn’t a woman. And sure, I was around women that I could hang out with. But, what I was going through required a level of support I didn’t think they had the capacity to give. I positioned myself as their super woman. But, I cried alone, sorted through alone, and barely made it. I’ll never forget the day I had an “AHA” moment where I had to FACE the reality of my life and relationships. I WAS FRIENDLESS and really wasn’t connected to my family either.
The realness of that reality engulfed me and I went into depression. I felt the pain of longing for friendship. I felt the reality of being used and taken for granted. I minimized who I was for the sake of others esteem. I was there longing to receive what I was giving. And even far beyond anything I could give. I knew it would take special persons to befriend me and it mean something. I longed for a safe place. And I wanted to be friends with someone that deserved me!
I got so fed up that it finally dawned on me that I had yet to pray about it. And so I did. I vented to the Lord and I went in deep. I prayed for a certain caliber of friends and decided that I would heal from half and fake friendships so that I could be open and ready for the real. This was the beginning of creating a real village outside of my family.
God began to surround me with strong, secure women. He heard and answered me. I found myself around a few women who were further along in life than I was and those who actually had something to offer. Listen!!! Don’t be afraid to pray for friends. GOD IS GOOD AND WILL SUPPLY WHAT YOU NEED! And I mean exactly what you need.
Great women entered my life one by one. While I felt they were amazing and was excited about the new journey. Their presence revealed something about me that I didn’t know. What was it?!?
I didn’t know how to receive them internally. I was a horrible recipient or shall I say I was a broken recipient. I felt weird. I felt wrong and too vulnerable for even telling them I had a bad day. I was self reliant and I had become so accustomed to being in control as the giver and “strong” friend. I didn’t know how to receive from a strong friend. And I surely didn’t know how to release to one.
It was in those moments I realized I was really AFRAID of trusting someone else with the real ME. I was afraid of being judged. I didn’t know I was worthy of someone really being invested in me. And I didn’t know how to be loved. It was also at that moment that I realized I had personal issues. Those issues had nothing to do with friendship. But everything to do with ME!
The issue was my lack of wholeness, not knowing my worth, not properly tending to myself, and my inability to be open. I was married to fear in a way most people can relate to. It was fear that determined how well I could receive love and have community. I was no longer friendless because no one was capable to give what I needed. I was friendless because I didn’t know how to have a friend. And or how to appreciate different aspects and measures of friendship. I understood my role as the giver. But didn’t quite get it as the receiver. So even with some of the previous relationships that I counted out before the “aha moment.” I had expectations for people to do friendship like me and I failed to learn THEM and or to respect their capacity levels and what they had to offer and or what they would grow to offer.
You have to give your friends room to evolve and flourish beyond your expectations and needs. If they are toxic. . .yes, let them go. But if they are simply unlearned. Step back and let them grow! Not all, but some of those same women from my early 20’s remain in my life and they are some of the strongest relationships I have. One of them is my best friend! And the other is one of the closest persons to me in the world.
Please take this lesson I’ve learned. The friendless zone isn’t to reveal the issues of other women and their inability to be your friend. It isn’t to show you their lack of value and love for you. It’s not to affirm you as the victim. The friendless zone reveals YOU! At that time in my life, it revealed ME!
There are some things you will not know about yourself until someone enters your life and LOVES YOU WELL. There are things you will not know until you broaden your perspective of the world and of people in general. We sometime live life as if our world and circles revolve around us when the reality is WE MUST EVOLVE IN AND WITH THEM!
What determines how great of a friend you are isn’t just how well you give and all that you do and are to them. It is also how well you receive friendship. And how well you receive love, celebration, truth? and affirmation. If you cannot fully receive. You can have capable people near, yet remain FRIENDLESS. You’ll have every excuse of why you can’t trust them not realizing the only real reason is your lack of security that sabotages anything that threatens your self reliance and self sufficiency.
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is. . .real friendship kills self reliance and it will dismantle FEAR!
I was healed when I got over myself and allowed someone else to love the worst of me. When I allowed someone else to be my strength, to celebrate me, to uplift, sow into, and pray me through beyond how I thought it should be done. I broke free of fear in relationships when I allowed God to perfectly love me through the gift he gave me called sisters and friends! Inviting others to be a part of your story is in your best interest. And allowing them to be who they are adds to you.
Covenant Friends are graced with a certain capacity level and compatibility that will not only fulfill you but also heal you. Not all will be and give the same thing. But what they can give should be appreciated and honored. You’ll have friends that you run to. Those that will journey with you in the thick of life. You’ll have other friends that you update just to keep them in the know. You’ll have friends that you cry with, and friends that you call when you’re simply ready to have a good time. Some of your friends will bring the best out of you. And others, you will bring the best out of them. Some of your friends will be the strong friend in your life and you’ll be strong friend for others. You will have friends that are further along in life. LEARN FROM THEM! And those you are ahead of. Allow them to learn from you. You’ll have friends that are positioned in your life as intercessors and others may be in need of intercession. There are also instances where it is mutual on every level. One or two will embody all of this for you and others won’t. However, It takes openness, vulnerability, security, and flexibility to really have friends and enjoy the different relationship dynamics.
Make room for people to LOVE YOU! The real you. You deserve it! It’s so easy to be the giver. But it takes humility to be the receiver.
There is a simple truth that I want you to remember. It will always stretch you to be whole and open as you expand your circle. “WHAT YOU EXUDE, YOU WILL DRAW! And what you make room for will make room for you.”
Friendship is powerful. A good friend can help us through adversity and even provide what riches and success cannot.
Life-giving friendships are essential for our health. Developing meaningful, lasting friendships is not a by-product, but is built through intentional, purposed time, vulnerability, investment, loyalty, honesty, communication, consistency, and reciprocity.
IF you are feeling even the tiniest twinge of unspoken “friend-less-ness” today, then I want to reassure you that you are not alone! Every woman's heart longs for deep friendships and close relationships with people they can share life with. Be real about it. Be in love with the idea of having real sisters. Be open and willing to grow
There is a lesson in the friendless zone and for many of you. It’s to see what part of YOU rejects love and friendship. We cannot allow ourselves to be so caught up on the cause that we ignore the effect. It is the effect that hinders forward progression and evolution. We must deal with the effect so that we are not infectious to those around us. There is no rule of how many real friends you’re allowed to have. I now have a village and love the diversity in my sisterhood circle.
Let God bless you with your unbreakable circle. Love on and tend to your soul for you and those around you. Lastly, I pray you find joy and wholeness in womanhood so that you can flourish in sisterhood. And most of all, I pray you SOAR in love so much so that you’re not only giving it but you’re receiving even more.
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