Memories & Missed Moments


Today, April 3rd…..

6 years ago at 3:18 am I gave birth to my daughter Farah MacKenzie Desilva. On that day I had no clue the journey I was embarking upon. The moment I walked out of the hospital empty handed was the moment I knew my life had been altered. The reality is that I walked into the hospital with a 23.5 weeks baby bump and 3 days later walked out with no baby. How Sway??? How??? This can’t be life. But, it was. Since having Farah the journey to healing has been an eventful one. The journey to wholeness from brokenness has been pretty action packed to say the least but I am making it. I always feel super sad around this time of year and of course the extra load of sadness was right on time as it always is. Last week, I had my first “ugly cry” of Farah’s season and I quickly realized that things were amping up and deep grief was my portion as April 3rd approached. I had accepted that my love for my daughter and me missing her and the potential moments that we were to share could only lead to pain. A pain so unbearable that I couldn’t dare attempt to have joy during this season. Right? WRONG!  The pain of memories and missed moments is always overwhelming. It sometimes can seem unbearable to be honest, but for April 3, 2017 I choose JOY. I almost let grief get the best of me, but I had an “aha” moment the day after my ugly cry…..I can make a commitment to have JOY during this season. I decided to rip up my contract with sadness for April 3rd and I signed a new one accepting the JOY that God has for me. Have I cried since signing this new lease on joy?? YES! I have cried, but those tears lead me to prayer. They lead me to reach out to loved ones and request prayers of peace and joy. Ultimately, those tears lead me to GOD. For me, choosing joy was me choosing life. I chose to see life through death.  When you lose a loved one most people encourage you to harp on the memories and be thankful to have them. But, when you lose a baby, the memories are slim and it’s the missed moments that haunt you. It’s the thoughts of what her party would be like if she were alive. (Yall, know Farah would have been too LIT, right?!?! Ha!) Focusing on missed moments can take you out!!! Seriously! I don’t have a fancy answer on how to make it through as I am still figuring it out. But, what I do know is when we choose joy and life over sadness, God will meet you there and give you everything you need and more. I trust God and I know He’s got me!!!! Today, I celebrate Farah, her life, her heartbeat, my daughter. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to carry her in my womb. She is the gift that keeps on giving. I look forward to the day that I can tell her sisters and brothers about her but for now, I will share her with you.


Mommy & Farah


Yesterday’s #SundaysWithTot was all about Farah! I had a small get together with my friends and family and their little ones. I thank God for their support. They never treat me crazy for wanting to celebrate Farah. They are always down! We had a little partyyy with a cupcake cake, goodie bags, and a balloon release. It was truly lit for my baby!!!!


Of course, I had to wear a Farah's Mommy shirt!





Check out my Mommy with the photobomb! ha!


The crew!!! Family and friends!


Family!!




Farah's Mommy and Grandma




Farah's party is too lit behind me! lol! 


Hey Mary!!


Marley and Christian right before the balloon release!


Gathering.......


First, pose for the camera.......



Now, release!!!! Party on in heaven Farah!!





My Mom brought the cutest cake for Farah's partyyy!



I will always remember Farah. #FOREVERFARAH






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1 comments

  1. Wow! I have really and truly grown as I've been praying and cheering on the sidelines your Farah journey. Thanks for being you and helping me grow!

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